he's not going

Joshua just cancelled on us. he's not going on Monday. And I was really looking forward to it because I'd be able to see him again. Even if it means for the last time. I dont know whether this relationship can go further, whether it can still be mended. If it cant, I'd love to see him one last time. I just got Alson to help me to ask Joshua to go. Just for one last time if he gives up on this relationship. I should expect him to. I've learnt my lesson. From now on I'm gonna be mentally prepared.

I hope Joshua will go for me on Monday, even if he doesnt feel like going. I just want to see him, y'know? Because if he's ending it with no hope then I wouldnt want to see him again, even if Alson and Bell needs us both there when we go on dates. If they ever ask me again I'm just gonna say no. They'll understand. But I know Alson wont ask. he knows my situation now. I just hope Bell understands as well as Alson. Maybe better because she's my best friend.

I just still cant accept this is gone for good. I've asked if there was still another chance. he said perhaps yes maybe no. Gosh. But. May as well. When I'm having all these doubts of having a future with him. Maybe we're just not meant to be. But after every phone call I seem to have forgotten all those doubts. And I seem to have been attracted to him more. Ah. What crap am I talking now. Anw. I hope to receive good news from Alson.